A PraiseWorthy Laxative
by MessersSpideyTapp
Summary: It is a widely known fact that no one should accept food from the notorious Sirius Black, unless being suicidal or foolishly daring. Lily is neither , but when offered her favorite , mince pies , she is too eager to refuse. Warning: Character Death....lol


**A Praise-Worthy Laxative**

Things in the Gryffindor Common room were of natural order, nothing worth mentioning. There were a few rogue nifflers that had unfortunately(cough) made their merry way down a few shiny first-year bottoms. Some rather attractive fifth-years thought to bring Witch Weekly's magical hair growth potion to the room , in addition to their 'adorable' pet cats , there was a lamentable event however, when the potion accidentally tipped on a rather warty toad. The effect was instantaneous , on the shrieking fifth-years , for the now blond haired wart-covered toad was interested in them as comfortable seating arrangements.

Center stage , ( a scarily comfy sofa) sat a studious seeming flame-haired sixth-year , whom was thoroughly (and somewhat forcibly) non-pulsed. Her legs were crossed under a large and heavy-looking copy of ' Seemingly Heretic Instantaneous Telecommunications of the 19th Century' or S.H.I.T. of the 19th Century for short. Though her eyes were firmly placed on the large page in front of her , it was no secret she was not reading , for whenever a small and screeching first- year paused for some help , she would tear her gaze from the book , glare death onto the child and whack them over the head with it (did I mention the book was very heavy?)

With a final huff , the girl placed the book onto the table beside her, it groaned under the weight while she placed a knee sock as a book mark. The room stood patient as she dug herself out of the hole the book had buried her in. It was very quiet, and she smiled , then glared and walked through the portrait hole. The room sighed as a whole , then screamed as S.H.I.T. of the 19th Century chased them about screaming profanities and biting bums.

" BLOODY PARROTS!"

"AHHHH!"

" BLABBING BASTARDS!"

"It BIT my fluffy! How can it be so cruel as to bite a defenseless-"

"WANKING MUTANEERS!"

"IT BIT MY ARSE!"

"MUAHAHAHA!"

" It's ruddy insane!"

"FEEL MY BITING RATH , SCALYWAGS!"

…

She stomped down the stairs with a maniacal grin on her face , the book had come in handy.

"Ho! A lovely maiden ! That Hair , that smile!" he seemed to become very uncomfortable suddenly "Lily? Lily Evans?"

" No you bloody toe-wanking knight , it's a ruddy hippogriff" she replied furiously, glaring her patented glare at the new portrait guarding the entrance to the Prefect's bathroom.

" Ha, thought it was" he laughed nervously " what brings me the honor of your presence?"

" I would not be here if I could help it , Sir Cadogan" Lily replied "But this _is_ a bathroom, what can your largely knowledgeable brain figure I want to do in a bathroom?"

"Erm…….Ho! Madam Covernmy, my lovely maiden! Wondrous company does thou need? I can be of assistance!" he called to an empty portrait "Duty comes a-howling , I fear Miss Evans …good day!" and he galloped off on his obese pony , that is until he fell off in the next portrait.

" Wait you demented knight!" Lily called after the fleeting portrait "Come back!"

she waved her arms at the now running knight.

" Come now Swift!" the knight addressed the fallen pony "Ride , ride you magnificent beast!"

It farted.

" Damn you! I did not die so that you could poison me again!"

" PLEASE , Sir Cadogan ! I am in dire need of the Prefects' bathroom!" Lily yelled pleadingly.

" Ahh, my noble heart fails me " Sir Cadogan replied with a shake of his head , causing him to drop his helmet on the obese pony " Drat!"

The knight took some time to return to his portrait , partly because he was dragging Swift , the fainting pony , partly because he was terrified of the wailing Lily.

"Now , fair maiden , I am ready" he said rapidly changing his tone to a much more professional one "Password?"

" It's … um…" she snapped her fingers " drat! That thing! You know….um.." she made unrecognizable hand gestures " That thing one does!"

She glared at Sir Cadogan "You know!" she accused , pointing a menacing finger "I've told you" Poke. "Time" Poke. "And Time again" Poke. Poke. Poke.

" Y-ye-yes" he took a large breath "Yes , thou have , but thou has failed to mention it , today"

Lily screeched a tribal war-cry and flung herself at the portrait "LET ME IT!" she clawed.

" Ho! For Duty ! For Honor!" Sir Cadogan screamed as he loosened his wooden sword from it's scabbard "For Poppy's revealing robes!"

Lily raised a skeptical brow , but kept screeching

" BLOODY TRAITOR!"

" Manic!"

" MONUMENTAL TOE-RAG!"

"Lunatic woman!"

"PERVERTED ARSE-WIPE!"

"Cow!"

She gasped , clutching the left side of her robes , then she took out her wand.

Sir Cadogan yelped, terrified of being hexed , no matter how he inspired thousands to act bravely .

Then she jabbed at his eyes with the wooden stick.

" Stop! Cease I tell you!"

"Muahhahahahahaha!" she laughed maniacally.

" I may be painted , but I can still feel my paint chip!"

" HAHAHAHAHA" she laughed "DIE!"

One Hour Later…..

"Oh Merlin!" Lily huffed loudly , clutching her stomach.

"Yeeeeeeeees?" came an elongated reply from a nearby portrait.

"Oh!" she said "Sorry"

" I should have never eaten those mince pies …." She grumbled "especially since Black offered them to me"

" That strapping young lad? Sirius Black?" Sir Cadogan asked " I like him, he helped me capture the young hearts of many…" he sighed in reminiscence.

" Still wont let me in?" she asked hopefully.

" No"

Lily groaned .

…

" Now , Prongs , all you have to do is give her this" Sirius said , waving a small blue bottle in his face.

"What , pray tell , is it?"

" Do you doubt me Prongs?" Sirius gasped dramatically.

" Yes, Padfoot"

"But…but I did this for you!"

" Did what?"

"This plan!" he whined, conjuring up a fluffy tissue for his nose.

"What plan?...you!" he pointed accusingly " Those ruddy mince pies!"

" Maaaaaaaybe" Sirius battered his lashes.

" What did you spike them with ?" he raised his brows " Icevodka?"

"no…but good guess" he said patting James's bum.

James stiffened " You know what …never mind…. I'll go look for her" he said , nodding vigorously and sprinting out of the common room.

…

"The wall" she said tonelessly.

"Damn! You have a slick wit for this game"

" One does not need much wit for I spy"

" Yes , well…" he shifted his feet uncomfortably "Your turn"

"Fine . I spy… James!" she stood

" Lily!" he smiled at the girl in front of him , she seemed to be panting from exertion and clutching the underside of her stomach.

" Are you alright?" he asked , squatting.

" Yes" she strained .

" Are you sure?"

"Positive"

"Sure you are positive?" he smiled widely.

" NO!" she screeched , crossing her legs into tighter gripping.

" there is feces dripping from my backside and this wanker wont let me shit inside!"

James visibly colored…obviously it was not what he expected.

" What? You thought I was waiting for the ruddy reading material?" she asked skeptically.

" So it isn't only guys who use it as a thinking place…" he tapped his chin thoughtfully.

" Yoo-hoo!" she snapped her fingers at him " you there? Or flying off with some perverted bunnies?"

" Perverted Bunnies?"

" Sirius told me you fantasize about pink perverted bunnies"

"what……"

"That rape you in the butt"

" WHAT!"

" Yes, do you know the password?" she gestured to the portrait , whom was now vividly digging for platinum inside his nostrils.

" Nifflers like my golden rod"

" WHAT!"

"It's the bloody password!"

" Oh…. Who came up with it ?"

" Sirius"

"Sirius is a prefect?"

" No"

"Then…how…wait…I don't want to know"

" His latest conquest "

" I'm the only girl prefect"

" I know"

Silence.

" Do you want to step in now?"

"Yeah" suddenly remembering the urgent nature of her business.

In her rush , she tripped over the border and fell onto her nose , mind you it is very sensitive.

" Damn you Lily , I knew you were not worthy of me!" her nose huffed , bleeding.

"I know lovey, it was an accident" she cooed , petting it lovingly

" We'll see" it said irritated.

"Lily , are you talking to yourself?"

" No , Potter" she spat "I'm talking to my nose"

" Oh" he said " Of course"

"Bloody laxative is melting her ruddy mind" James muttered.

Lily rushed into the stall.

James tried to ignore the sounds .

A very difficult task.

"Oof! That's a big one !"

He cringed

" Never seen anything so long in my life!"

James started twitching.

" Oh Merlin! It's eating me!"

" Myrtle , will you get back to your own bloody toilet!"

"Heheheheehahahahahaha"

" That's just creepy"

James wisely decided to stay outside.

" Hullo Sir Cadogan" he greeted.

" Ho! Young lad!"

James leaned down against the wall, all the while listening to the purring of Sir Cadogan.

"Ooooo, my darling Swift , must you always faint in the face of danger?" he asked sweetly "what kind of stallion are you?"

James listened to Sir Cadogan shifting in the portrait .

" O Ho! I've got it , lad!"

"What ? What have you got?"

" My Stallion , is no stallion at all"

Sir Cadogan pointed out what the Stallion had , or was lacking for that matter.

" It's a Hermaphrodite!" James Screeched "It burns , it BURNS!" he covered his eyes.

"Potter?"

"AH! The hermaphrodite speaks!" James ran in a circle " My ears, MY EARS!"

" Damn you Potter! It's me!"

" Oh… Evans"

" Yes"

Sir Cadogan began to hum…a lively melody , although heavily out of tune.

" Kiss her…." He whispered "I'm providing the atmosphere, lad "

" What?" James whispered back.

" Strategy" he tapped his head knowingly " Strategy , lad"

James , having heard this many times before , did so , also realizing the gullible nature of his age…..

_I'm sixteen!_ He thought indignantly against Lily's struggling mouth, _Well, no use feeling bad now _ he smiled .

" Potter"

" Hmmmm, yes Lily?"

" I can't breathe!"

"Oh" he murmured , backing up " Sorry"

She pushed at him , her fists clenched at her sides, she stomped her foot , her mouth opening and closing.

" Arg!" she reasoned "ARG!"

As she stormed off, stomping foots every two or so inches,

" Damn Potter…overeager toe-rag….can't bloody wait a ruddy second….BLOODY WONDERFULL TIMING! Sensitivity of a wanking tampon!"

He heard her mutter.

" I NEED CHOCOLATE" she screeched half way up the stairs.

" Hey! I have a stash in my Potions textbook!"

" NO POTTER!"

"Ahh , the trials of young love…" Sir Cadogan said.

" Shove it you … you …."

" Used Sanitary tissue?"

" That's bloody sick , Sirius"

" Yeah…."


End file.
